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From the monthly archives: "July 2012"

So, you just inherited a downtown warehouse from your Great Uncle Lester. The property is nice to own, but your thoughts immediately turn to what that building might contain.

Great Uncle Lester was a strange duck with a pension for the unique, so just maybe he stored his secret vintage car collection there. Clandestine art pieces? Stocks and bonds? Jewels? Oh, jewels! You know he was no fool.

You throw open the doors and allow your eyes to adjust as the rays fall ever so gently on…10,000 Sony VHS units. Mind you, these are mint in the box, baby! You quickly realize that perhaps Great Uncle Lester was a fool and you are now the shame-faced owner of obsolete inventory. Whatever are you to do?

Good gracious! The obituary for this technology was in the paper long before your old uncle took his last breath. You remember reading VHS’ 2005 obit in the Washington Post:

“VHS — the beloved videotape format that bravely won the war against Betamax and charmed millions of Americans by allowing them to enjoy mindless Hollywood entertainment without leaving their homes — has died at the age of 29. It passed away peacefully after a long illness caused by chronic technological insignificance and a lack of director’s commentary tracks.”

You would love to just shut the doors and light a match, but you don’t have a match. Your mind is racing. Give them as gifts to everyone you know for every event for the rest of your life? Keep them in their boxes and build a fort? Sink them in the river? Ship them back to China? Uh, did they even want them when they made them?

Wait a minute! Doesn’t Lakeside Food Sales say there is no product too large or too small? Don’t they claim that there is no product that they cannot move? Shoot, they import, export, liquidate, distribute, and salvage.

I know they’d tell me, “Hey, contact us! We can move Great Uncle Lester’s VHS machines with no problem. We’ll find them all good homes where people will use them to watch great VHS tapes like Rambo and Top Gun.” Hey, I have copies of those too.

Politicians, scientists, and philanthropists voiced their opinions on the best venture of the 20th century, they surprisingly agreed on one recipient. What was it? The dollar store of course!

Once a novelty of the ’50s when the geniuses at Dollar General got the ball rolling, dollar stores now dot our landscape. Wherever our nation’s proudest monuments stand and most celebrated landscapes repose, you can be guaranteed to find everything you need for a buck.

Big Lots, Dollar Tree, Family Dollar, Meijer, and Menards are the heavyweights if you are looking for a resourceful place to unload all of your pennies. And don’t worry if you have coffee cans of pennies saved up because these stores are really jam-packed with goods.

Here is some of what you can buy (big breath): gum, candy, nuts, marshmallows, chocolate bars, chocolate syrup, chocolate cereal, nacho cheese, pork rinds, moist towelettes, towels, socks, underwear (male, female, child, and sometimes for the dog), bathrobes, soap, shampoo, shower curtains, shower caddies, shower radios, bathroom scales (another big breath), toilet bowl brushes, toilet bowl cleaners, CD’s, DVD’s, TV’s, couches, hammocks, boys’ toys, girls’ toys, baby toys, luggage, fake plants, real plant food, lawn mowers, grills, Valentine’s Day stuff, St. Patrick’s Day stuff, Easter stuff, Fourth of July stuff, Halloween stuff, Thanksgiving stuff (one last breath), Christmas stuff, and magnets. Note: this list is meant to be representative, not comprehensive.

In other words, Lakeside Food Sales scours the globe for anything and everything that people have too much of, don’t need anymore, or oddly enough think is out of style. If it’s canned, pickled, freeze dried, shrink wrapped, boxed up, and generally packaged like it’s Midas’s gold, you’ll find it for a buck. Guaranteed. Lakeside Food Sales (don’t let the name fool you — they cart it all) are masters of importing here and exporting there until it all lands under one roof.

If you have goods you want gone, please contact us so we may sell them for a buck.

Children, did you hear? There is a surplus of delicious Del Monte spinach! That’s right! You don’t have to cut back on your favorite spinach recipes: spinach dip, spinach burgers, creamed spinach, and the blue ribbon winner –spinach brownies. I know that your parents control the purse strings, kids, so here’s a brief list of spinach’s health benefits:

1. 1 cup of spinach= 20% of the RDA of dietary fiber. Old people like your parents really need this to help them digest, avoid constipation, maintain low blood sugar, and curb overeating.

2. Spinach is so cool that it scares away all kinds of cancer.

3. There are two types of natural anti-inflammatory “epoxyxanthophylls” (things) in spinach.

4. Vitamin C, vitamin E, beta-carotene, manganese, zinc and selenium are found in spinach. They help prevent osteoporosis, atherosclerosis and high blood pressure.

5. Spinach lowers blood pressure. That is until you have to argue with your parents to make them eat it.

6. You won’t gain night vision, but you can help yourself avoid macular degeneration and cataracts.

7. You thought the dietary fiber from #1 was great, but spinach contains 337% of the RDA of vitamin A.

8. The extra vitamin A fights psoriasis, keratinization, acne and even wrinkles. Don’t eat spinach and you’ll look like a shar pei.

9. Here’s a big number — one cup of boiled spinach provides over 1,000% of the RDA of vitamin K which strengthens bones.

10. Vitamin K doesn’t let bad calcification form, so you will be more likely to avoid strokes and cardiovascular disease.

11. Vitamin K also protects your nerves by adding a good fat around their sheaths.

Kids, it falls to you to teach your parents about spinach’s rock stardom. They are too lame to see the truth. And if their health doesn’t get them headed towards the car, put a zing in their step by explaining to them that this produce will be available at the wholesale price. That’s right — the highest quality spinach you love at a liquidated cost, all thanks to Lakeside Food Sales.